This was a long week but it was a good week. I realize now that I may have somewhat set myself up after that last post. In it, I had mentioned ministry and so this week I felt like God said, “Oh okay, well let’s see how well you do.” and instead of being that person who was just showing up for people, I was put into a position where I not only had to serve, but I had to lead as well.
Let me be the first to tell you, it was a lot of work. However, looking out into a crowded room full of wide eyed young girls listening to conversations about God, colorism, and self-worth was something no short of amazing. I looked back on the conversations and the women I looked up to when I was a young girl. I had no idea of the battles they faced as adults back then because they made it seem so easy, so freeing. I can recall this one moment when I was a teenager (before I gave my life to Christ) and these two young perhaps 20-something year old women picked me up and drove me to a pee-wee football game. I was visiting my mom at the time (also pretty sure I didn’t want to be there). I’m not sure how the conversation even came about as far as how they thought of inviting me because I didn’t know them at all but somehow they asked my mom if I wanted to go and I said, “sure.” I don’t remember much of what was said but I do remember the car ride over. They listened to worship music and I kind of thought to myself, “They’re listening to Gospel music on a Saturday morning?” I found it interesting because of course it wasn’t what I had expected from two young adult women but it was a moment that I always remembered and once I got older I thought, I want to model that for other young girls. It wasn’t just that they just played worship music in the car, but they set an example for me that I’m not even sure that they intended. I don’t know that I’ve ever encountered those women again after that day, but I’d like to thank them for showing me that yes, you can be young, pretty, and love God not just on Sundays but everyday.
It’s not a rejection, it’s a redirection
I can not do anything without God. I can’t live on my own, I can’t pursue a relationship, I can’t even manage my sanity. I say all of that because these past few weeks were quite rough for me mentally. It’s had me questioning, “God, am I not good enough for someone to take the time to want to love me?” I attended an Inspire Night at my church, it was an event dedicated to single Christian women and even though I was so exhausted from work and the girls youth event the night before, I knew that I still had to go. I walked in not knowing what I was going to get out of it and receiving so much confirmation in the end. Although I may want a husband, I was not put on this Earth to serve a husband. I was created to serve God and this may be hard to believe but many times I might not know, but I get so caught up in my pursuit of a man that I neglect to realize that I’m not pursuing God. I don’t want to make it seem as though it’s impossible to serve God and pursue a relationship but there comes a time where you have to learn that they both have to correlate with each other. You can not pursue a relationship without God and you can not pursue God without being in relation with each other. Singleness is not always easy, but it should never be hard either. I’ve heard conversations relating to comparison in the past few days. We often think that if someone else can find a partner, why can’t I? It’s never about JUST finding a partner, it’s about finding a partner that fits you. I know a lot of strong single women, women that are not just worthy of love but worthy of GOOD love. Genuine love that comes from the Lord. Not something that they can just pick up and have just to be able to say that they have it and I know that this is true for myself as well. Singleness does not equal inadequacy. We should never look at ourselves and believe the lie that the reason why we are not involved with someone else is because there is something wrong with ourselves. Yes, it is true that none of us are perfect but that is not the reason why we are not in love.
I want to be where God is every moment of my life. I don’t want to pursue the things he has to offer, I want Him and only Him and more than that, I want Him to take me where He wants me to go which may not only be marriage. We look at marriage as if that’s the end goal. It’s not. If we can’t pursue Him now then how can we expect to pursue Him while in a relationship with someone else? One of the things that God spoke to me this week was that I can not expect someone else to always want to carry my burdens, I have to always give them to God first and it’s not because they aren’t able to but some people just don’t know how to in the ways that God does and can.
“Right now I am storm-tossed. And what am I going to say? ‘Father, get me out of this’? No, this is why I came in the first place. I’ll say, ‘Father, put your glory on display.’” A voice came out of the sky: “I have glorified it, and I’ll glorify it again.”
JOHN 12:27-28
Well, I think that I’ve said enough but I hope that I’ve said all that He wanted me to say. Life is crazy man. One minute you could be thinking you found the man of your dreams and then next you could be back at square one. God has a vision for my life, that He’s calling me to greater. I got a glimpse of what it could have been and then I heard Him say, “Now think bigger than that.” Not just in marriage, but in what He’s called me to do in relation to reaching women and what I truly love doing which is this.
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